Q

If it is, then the narcissist is sick — someone to pity rather than to blame. Or is narcissism just a learned behavior, something the person chooses to adopt? And if that’s the case, why do some people become narcissists while others don’t? As a person dealing with a narcissistic relative, I could use some clarity!

A

All people have “issues.” We’re an anxious bunch, prone to depressed and irritable moods. We can be selfish, self-centered, lazy, irresponsible, insensitive, and arrogant. And while we can also be lovely, emotionally stable, and productive, none of us is free from personality flaws.

Just as a person can have anxiety without having an anxiety disorder, or be depressed without having a depressive disorder, he or she can have narcissistic traits without having a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Your relative may be self-centered and have an inflated sense of himself without having NPD. Emotional and personal traits only become a “disorder” when they cause intense personal suffering and/or lead to significant dysfunction in relationships and/or work. A trail of broken marriages and lost jobs, for example, can point to a disorder rather than a character trait.