The Mother-In-Law

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N inety percent of the time my mother-in-law and I get along wonderfully. It’s the other ten percent of the time that’s the problem. That’s when I’m hurt or disappointed by her passive-aggressive behavior. I’m not talking about regular slights but seriously nasty incidents. I’m married for nearly a decade and have a mental list of painful things she’s done. I wish I could just delete all these memories but every time my mother-in-law behaves inappropriately I have flashbacks of the other times she’s disappointed or hurt me and these make me want to go far away and never speak to her again.

I know you’ll probably say I should have a frank discussion with her but trust me on this one; it’s not going to work. She’d either deny everything I say or get very upset — or both. In her mind she’s a fabulous mother and mother-in-law and doesn’t want to be bothered with the facts. My husband agrees with my view of his mother’s behavior but encourages me to look away from the miserable ten percent and focus on the good 90 percent. It doesn’t work. After each incident it usually takes me a few days until I’m back to myself. What can I do to keep our relationship harmonious at all times?

Mrs. Joanne Dove works for Seed a London-based adult kiruv organization. In addition she has done extensive pre-marital and marital counseling. She also oversees and advises the volunteers of Made in Heaven an organization that helps make shidduchim and advises singles.

Mr. Moishe Herskowitz M.S. LCSW is a couples and marital therapist and a graduate professor at Touro College Guidance and Counseling program. He is also the director of How We Communicate PLLC. A 12-step program for healing couples in crisis and the founder of Cable Therapy which uses energy and hypnotherapy as a cable for couples to reconnect. He’s published dozens of articles in the Jewish Press.