Don’t make kids choose between you and your spouse
I n order to focus on their many developmental tasks children need a stable relatively peaceful environment. Sibling battles and occasional parental squabbles are tolerable disruptions but a child needs to feel basically free to focus on his own life. Young people don’t do so well when they have to deal with strong or confusing emotions or intense stress. Under such conditions they have less energy for study social relationships creative outlets and even play.
“I felt like it was up to me to keep our home intact. My parents fought a lot and then they would each come to me afterward to complain about each other.
“What was I supposed to do? I was just a kid. Now that I’m an adult I see clearly what an unfair predicament I was placed in. What on earth could a child understand about marital dynamics? Also I needed the love of both my parents. I didn’t want to hear how bad my mother or father was. And I didn’t want to risk losing approval by disagreeing with them either.
“For example if my mother said that my father was horribly abusive I couldn’t defend him without ruining my relationship with her. On the other hand it terrified me to think that they might get divorced so I didn’t want to agree with her either. I had to think really hard about what kind of answer I could give that would support her and also protect my home.
