Realm of Control

ATthis time of year, we remind ourselves of Who runs the world because, quite often, we forget.

Says one woman, “I did everything anyone could do — everything that everyone else did do — and still my child was the one to go off the derech. I felt so judged. I imagined everyone was wondering what terrible secrets we held behind our closed doors, what abuse or neglect I’d perpetrated on this innocent soul. Or maybe they didn’t think anything at all, and it was just me projecting my own inner judgment onto them. Because, after all, I did blame myself. I knew deep in my heart that it was my fault.”

Why? Why does this parent (or any other parent) believe that her child’s choices were her fault? Although there are plenty of reasons for this way of thinking, the primary one is that she believed she was in control of her child’s brain. She reasoned that if she programmed that brain correctly, then the output would be as she’d planned and desired. If that output wasn’t what she planned or desired, then it must be that she didn’t program the brain correctly to begin with. Hence, the child’s decision was her fault.

It’s natural for parents to think this way. There are, after all, many books, classes, and courses on the subject of how to raise children. The implication of all these educational endeavors is that there is a right way and a wrong way, a good way and a poor way to do the job of parenting. If we do it the right and good way, then the output (final human product) will be good. If we botch the job, then, understandably, we would expect undesirable results.