Couples often feel they have arguments on repeat— and the more they fight about the same thing, the less they feel heard
Shevy slumped down on the couch and looked at her husband before turning to their therapist. “We have the same fights over and over again! It’s both maddening and exhausting!”
Shevy’s complaint isn’t unique; couples often feel they have arguments on repeat — and the more they fight about the same thing, the less they feel heard. Couples wonder why this happens and whether it’s even possible to stop this cycle.
There are two things needed to have a persistent fight: 1) a sensitive, likely historical pain, and 2) a strong, defensive protection around feeling that pain.
Fights occur when we become more focused on survival rather than connection. When we feel pain but cover it with emotional armor and defenses, it’s easier to get lost in the content of the argument rather than the underlying feelings and motivations.
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