“It’s not if you fight, it’s how you fight.” Yet “fighting nice” is easier said than done
I’ve said it before, but it’s research backed and worth repeating: “It’s not if you fight, it’s how you fight.” Yet “fighting nice” is easier said than done.
Why is it so hard to control ourselves when we’re upset? It may be physical — when we’re tired or grumpy, we may have difficulty controlling how we speak. It may be emotional — when we’re feeling flooded, or extra sensitive due to old wounding, whether from earlier times in the marriage or from childhood, then we have even less capacity to regulate. If it’s hysterical, it’s likely historical.
The good news is that if we practice “good fighting,” we’ll have an easier time accessing these skills even under stress. Before we get there though, let’s examine the four most destructive conflict styles that damage relationships.
You’re critical: Criticism strikes at the core character of a person. It’s a very personal way to attack, and whether or not it’s intentional, it takes the focus off the subject or issue and aims anger directly at your spouse. The target is who your spouse is as a person. Examples of criticism are: “You never help out,” “Why can’t you be more considerate?” or “You’re always missing the boat on things….”
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