An apology needs more than the words, “I’m sorry”
Two children have some type of altercation, with one child accusing the other of saying something or doing something mean. The adult wants the children to get along, so the kids are encouraged (forced) to “apologize.” The first child says, “I’m sorry.” The second child also says, “I’m sorry,” but then mutters under his breath “idiot!” and walks away. The adult feels good — shalom has been restored — yet the children leave the interaction no better off than before they started.
What went wrong?
Using the words “I’m sorry” in isolation — without having thought about what you’re sorry for, why you’re sorry, and how both people in the equation are feeling — means the apology is insincere, and an opportunity for self-reflection is missed.
Apologizing is a crucial step in repairing damage that has been done. But as the Rambam teaches us in Hilchos Teshuvah, it’s not the only step. Certainly, an apology needs more than the words, “I’m sorry.”
To help your child successfully own their behavior and move past it when they’ve done something wrong, consider teaching them this five-step apology system. Model it when needed (even adults need to apologize sometimes) to help them use it.
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