Manipulated

At two, Chaya texted me: I’m almost back. I’m just stopping at home because I need the bathroom. Maybe Tali could walk Mindy home?

I was a little disappointed. I’d wanted to meet Chaya. And I thought it was strange that she didn’t want to meet the people her daughter had spent the whole day with.

Again, clear signs Chaya doesn’t view this as a friendship. There is no reciprocity here.

But then I tried to put myself in her mind. I imagined how exhausted she must be, how hard her day must have been, how little emotional energy she must have to make small talk with a new friend when she was going through a divorce.

Chaya called the next week and asked if we could have Mindy again. Since I have trouble saying no in general, one technique I’d developed for assessing when to put up boundaries was to take myself out of the picture and weigh up the other person’s need versus my need. So this time I agreed. The need for a soon-to-be single mother to get babysitting help was greater than my need to have an easy day. I was on maternity leave, my kids were home anyhow, and she could just blend in with them, sort of, and if not, she could help me out with the baby.