“How to Teach My Young Adults Adult Life Skills”

Q:

I have three teenaged boys, and because of their yeshivah schedule, they’re not really in a position to help at home with household tasks. During an off-Shabbos or bein hazmanim, though, they’re around the house, and I’m disappointed and concerned with their attitudes.

I always try to model respectful speech and a calm demeanor, but when I ask for help with simple tasks (cleaning up the dishes and wrappers from the food they brought to their rooms, pitching in with their laundry, taking out an overflowing garbage bag on which they’ve precariously stacked ten items, etc.), it’s just not getting done.

I don’t want to nag, and I don’t want our relationship to be reduced to instructions, but I’m worried that they’re about to turn into young adults without adult life skills.

A:

You are blessed with a rich person’s troubles. To have three happy, healthy boys who are in yeshivah is a brachah. By no means am I minimizing your concerns, however. Even good, healthy children require direction and preparation for life. You are absolutely correct in wanting your children to grow up to be respectful, responsible, and dependable. You also are right in not wanting your children to grow up feeling entitled, which would impair their ability to deal with the realities of life.

Before we begin, where is the father in this picture? Is he a man who learns Torah and helps at home? Is he a man so busy that he really has no time to help? Maybe he’s a very big masmid, and you have no expectation that he should help? A father’s modeling will often play a very big role in the behavior of his children. If he is helping, it would be more effective if he brought the boys into the circle of helping.

Culture plays a significant role in who participates in the chores at home. But you, as a mother, can create a culture in your home. It is much easier to do so when the children are still at a young age, but even now, you still have options to try.

Have you and your husband ever considered calling a meeting with your sons? Sit down with each of them separately; they might be more comfortable expressing their feelings without having to deal with brother politics or the perceived critical eye of another. Also, if they are a chevreh, they may not know how to separate their own feelings from what the others think; this way, each boy can learn about his own thought process.