We Agree with Our Son-in-Law, Not Our Daughter

Recently, my son-in-law announced that he is leaving kollel to go to work. He is doing so solely out of his sincere interest in our daughter’s happiness and well-being — he wants her to be able to spend more time at home with the children. This makes our daughter feel incredibly guilty; she feels like her husband is making the wrong choice and that it is her fault. She has turned to us for support, hoping we can talk our son-in-law out of it. The problem is, we secretly agree with our son-in-law — we believe he is making the right decision. How can we show our daughter support while inwardly siding with her husband?

Ashreichem, Yisrael! What a beautiful question, and what a splendid display of Klal Yisrael’s deep and powerful desire to fulfill Hashem’s will in this world.

Your daughter wants to continue supporting her husband in his learning, in spite of the hardships. Your son-in-law wants to go to work to lighten the burden for his wife. And you are torn because you want to do the right thing, and it is confusing.

The essential question is a personal one. The zechus of the mitzvah of limud Torah is, of course, talmud Torah k’neged kulam. But let’s take a step back to try to understand the context we’re operating in. First, we’ll look at how your daughter likely views the question.