GREAT READS → TLC TALKS Issue 1055 · March 26, 2025

“If My Child Is a Bully, Is It My Fault?”

“Blaming parents for a child’s behavior is a very dangerous path to go down”

The Question

Is bullying always indicative of problems with parenting or the home environment? If my child is a bully, is there anything that I can do as a parent to prevent bullying that takes place out of my sight?

 

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield
If a child is bullying others, he may essentially be announcing to his parents and mechanchim that he’s suffering from a low sense of his own value and power.

Blaming parents for a child’s behavior is a very dangerous path to go down. There are so many factors that could play into why a child behaves the way he or she does. Concluding simply that the parent is at fault, or the home environment is deficient, requires a very significant jump. While there could possibly be factors at home that are influencing a child who is bullying, it would not be necessarily the first place to look.

Bullying can often be traced to low self-esteem, and this would be a much wiser place to begin the intervention. Self-esteem is a major challenge that every human being struggles to develop. It is not one factor but rather the entirety of a child’s experiences that leads him to develop a healthy self-esteem. There are also inborn biological factors like brain chemistry that can contribute to one’s self-esteem. Significant experiences can take place at home between siblings, or in other relationships outside of school; and many take place at school, relating to academic or social-emotional challenges that are expressed in that environment.

So if a child is bullying others, he may essentially be announcing to his parents and mechanchim that he’s suffering from a low sense of his own value and power. This leads us to the very critical question for parents who want to assist their child: What can be done to address a child suffering from low self-esteem?

One place to start is to look for elements that are detrimental to positive self-esteem, like challenges at school or strained relationships that exist in the family unit or with friends. A parent could also look for ways to increase the child’s positive self-esteem, like highlighting the child’s strengths — enrolling them in a hobby that’s special for them, or finding other ways for the child to shine.

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← Previous installment Let’s Talk Bullying (Feat. Dr. Rona Novick) Next installment → Let’s Talk Partnering With Schools (Feat. Rabbi Moshe Bender)