“My Husband Drinks and Vapes Regularly. Is It Inevitable That My Children Will?”

Dear TLC:

I have very strong negative feelings about my kids drinking, smoking, or vaping on Purim and all year round… because I know firsthand how damaging it is. My husband drinks and vapes regularly, and he’s not open to changing. Is it inevitable that my young children are going to end up on this path?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

It’s important to shield your child from tension and criticism within your marriage, especially when you have a high-stakes disagreement.

This question has as much to do with Purim as it does with shalom bayis. Children live in the space between their parents’ values, and when that space becomes fractured, they feel it immediately. In marriage and parenting, clarity and alignment matter.

How is a parent supposed to transmit values when the other parent is not on the same page?

There is no simple formula here. When the two adults are modeling different standards, the child will inevitably absorb both messages. And if the father is not buying into your concerns, and especially if his behavior is consistent with what the broader culture normalizes, it becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible, to shield your child from that influence.

Sometimes, in our effort to protect a child from a specific behavior like vaping, we risk creating a larger wound by highlighting or deepening a rift between parents. A child who senses tension, criticism, or disrespect between his mother and father may internalize something far more destabilizing than exposure to a bad habit. Shalom bayis is not a side issue; it is the emotional ecosystem in which a child grows.