Hope Unchained   

When Leah met Eli at a kiruv event for unaffiliated singles, she was a West Coast college freshman taking her first tentative steps toward authentic Judaism. Seeking spirituality was invigorating, and the querying and probing and auditing of long-held beliefs appealed to Leah’s considerable intellect. Eli, a European expat who was revisiting the Orthodoxy of his childhood, was the perfect companion for this expedition. His discerning eye and sharply honed interrogative skills enriched Leah’s learning experience. Their early dating centered around joint Shabbos meals and dabbling in mitzvah observance, and for two years they grew together in their Yiddishkeit. By the time Leah was 20, they decided to marry.

Leah’s parents were less enamored of her choice. At 30 plus, Eli was considerably older than Leah, and this, coupled with her drastic pivot in religious observance, set off alarm bells for Leah’s parents. However, smitten — with both Eli and Yiddishkeit — Leah brushed off their concerns as a product of their vastly divergent world views.

In retrospect, Leah sees that Eli’s age advantage should have been a concern for her as well. Why would a man want to marry someone over a decade younger, charming and bright as she may be? She was simply too young and inexperienced to attribute it to his need to dominate and extreme narcissistic tendencies.

Another concern that Leah’s parents and mentors raised was the issue of Eli’s argumentativeness. Eli was a master debater who couldn’t “agree to disagree”; at one point shortly after they were engaged, his intransigent approach brought Leah to tears. A Shabbos host who knew both of them well and was privy to the heated altercation, gently called Leah aside after the meal to remind her that she could still call it off. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked. Leah was sure.