A Matter of Respect

Q:

My 14-year-old daughter has always had a strong personality. Now that she’s a teen, I’m finding it even harder to deal with her. If I tell her something she doesn’t like, such as, “No, I’m not getting you that designer sweatshirt,” then she gets really snappy and disrespectful. My friends tell me their teenagers are the same. I’m wondering if I need to just accept that this is the way teenagers are and wait for her to outgrow it, or if I should take some sort of action.

A:

There’s an interesting myth about teenagers: They’re a crazy breed unto themselves. Due to fluctuating hormones, people between the ages of 12 and 18 just can’t control themselves.

But in fact, as people this age are now bar and bas mitzvah, they’re obligated by the Torah to honor and respect their parents and to refrain from hurting people (their parents and everyone else) with words. These mitzvos are laid out without qualifiers. There are no groups of people exempt from showing respect and consideration to others. The transgression of ona’as devarim (verbal abuse) refers largely to using harsh language (raising one’s voice or calling names, using sarcasm or employing other disrespectful forms of speech), as I assume your daughter has done in her communication with you.

Indeed, it’s not only adolescents who aren’t excused from engaging in verbal abuse. It’s all of us. There’s a general myth about hormones that “explains” why full-grown adults can’t control their mouths. There’s a myth about stress that “explains” why husbands and wives sometimes let loose on one another (hard day at the office, children are exhausting, haven’t had a good night’s sleep, finances are difficult, extended family is pressuring, and so on).

Yes, there are individuals who are suffering from thankfully rare disorders, who can’t be held accountable for what they say or do; Jewish law exempts this group from obligations they can’t fulfill. As for the rest of us, interpersonal laws continue to apply despite our varying emotional and physical challenges. When we’re provoked by disappointment, inconsiderate behavior, hurtful words, or other frustrating incidents with family members or others, we’re all obligated to control what we say and do in response. From a Torah point of view, other people’s bad behavior isn’t an excuse to forget that everyone is made b’tzelem Elokim (in the image of G-d) and is deserving of our respect despite their flaws.