“Her Seminary’s Values vs. Our Family’s Values”

Q:

I try to take a very positive approach to chinuch and toward Klal Yisrael in general, and I work hard to maintain that atmosphere in my home. Recently, my daughter came home from seminary with a long list of all the things she can’t do — what singers she can’t listen to, what styles she shouldn’t wear, what sheitels are not advisable for her to get.

This is just so not in line with what we try to encourage in our house. We value tzniyus and a Torahdig lifestyle, and we have high standards for our family, but we’ve never felt a need to put another mehalech down in the process. How do we reconcile what she’s learned in seminary with our own values?

A:

I am impressed with anyone who retains a positive attitude to chinuch and Klal Yisrael. That is not always so easy to maintain, with so much divisiveness and rampant criticism today. Of course, I assume that your acceptance of other views holds true for all levels of Yiddishkeit, including those more rigorous than your own.

Just after Shavuos, thousands of young women will return home from seminary as the school year comes to an end. It is therefore probably a good idea to discuss this question in some depth.

Let’s begin with: What is the seminary year meant to accomplish? I will try to answer this question as a father of five girls and a principal of 2,300.

Our daughters go through 12 years of mandatory education. Their studies are varied and include limudei kodesh and secular subjects. They are immersed in their school life, home life, and social lives. Some will be inspired, others will be turned off. The vast majority will finish school with a wealth of lessons and experiences, but that will not clearly define which direction their spiritual lives will take, or how they will be shaped and formed.