Living with the Mess

Q:

My husband is disorganized. He leaves clothing and belongings everywhere. I can’t say I’m naturally organized, but I really put in a lot of work to declutter and tidy the home and clean up after myself. For the most part I quietly clean up after my husband (after years of trying to get him to do it himself). However, a few times a year his messy behavior really gets to me, and I’ll vent to him about it. Unfortunately, this only creates tension between us.

Our kids (ages 2–11) also struggle with neatness and organization. I find myself nagging them constantly, reminding them to clear their dishes, put their clothes in laundry baskets, put the cereal boxes back in the cupboards, and so on and on. They don’t remember to do anything themselves, and I find it exhausting and mentally taxing to keep on top of them this way. I wonder sometimes if it’s harder for them to register the value of neatness because they see my husband leaving his things around everywhere, and I feel resentful.

As a result of all this, my house usually looks messy, and I experience a lot of sensory overwhelm. Can you give me some tools to A) deal with my husband and marriage B) teach my children to clean up after themselves/value neatness and organization and C) deal with my own emotions and sensory overwhelm when things fail and the house ends up messy?

A:

Let’s jump right in with A): your marriage. You tried to educate and train your husband for years with no success. Either your teaching skill was lacking (too much criticism, not enough praise), or your husband is simply not educable. You can improve your techniques and try again (e.g., read my book, Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice, and modify the techniques a bit to better suit adult interactions) or if you think you did all that can be done on that front, accept that your husband suffers from some sort of inborn organizational deficit (as seen in some ADHD sufferers) and isn’t going to change. If you’re doing the latter, you can continue to clean up after him without ever trying to get him to improve. Appreciate the good he brings to your life and accept that this challenge comes along with it. Hashem sent you both.