Blank Check Messages Are Harming Couples

“Marriage is hard work.”

“Marriage takes sacrifice.”

“You have the ability to change what’s problematic in your marriage (or spouse) through the power of your interactions.”

These are just some of the most common messages we give our children in an effort to prepare them for building a solid, healthy relationship in their marriage. These statements each contain a helpful truth for creating a fulfilling marriage. But the way these messages are being delivered can result in real damage.

Think of it this way: How likely is it that you would send a signed blank check with your child to a busy school office, hoping it reaches the right person and trusting that someone will fill it out correctly? Would you be comfortable assuming it will be filled in with the name of the right recipient and the right amount? Most likely, you wouldn’t. You’d want to make sure that all of those particulars are carefully filled in before sending that check out.

Yet for some reason, people are fine with handing out blank‑check messages about marriage. These statements are meant to inspire and prepare, but without nuance, detail, or balance, they can become confusing or harmful in certain situations.

What do I mean by the term “blank-check” messages? Let’s look at a few:

“Marriage is hard work.”

Yes, it is. But the kind of work we mean isn’t specifically talked about — the shared work that both spouses put in together, and the beauty and satisfaction that should come from that mutual investment?

Unfortunately, there are so many people who put years of “hard work” into their marriage without ever reaching out for help, because no one explained the difference between normal marital effort and situations that fall outside that category — situations involving extreme dysfunction, mental illness, or abuse. They thought that if things weren’t good, it must mean that they hadn’t worked hard enough; because “marriage is hard work.” They didn’t register it as problematic that the work was tremendous and the satisfaction minimal, or that they seemed to be shouldering all the responsibility for doing the work, because the messages about hard work never specified that they should both be working, or when something more is needed.

The chasunah was a dream and sheva brachos was a whirlwind, but then it was back to real life.

Chani had to be out early to get to one of her many teaching jobs that were supporting the new couple in their commitment to a kollel life. She noticed that Shimmy wasn’t up when she left, but she knew it was early — but he was also home when she got home, and didn’t go out again, except for Minchah and Maariv. When she asked him about it, he said it was because otherwise, they hardly spent time together because she was “always so busy.”

But Shimmy didn’t really seem to be interested in spending time together — he was just home. Maybe he would participate in supper, but then he would withdraw. He would read, and eventually would be on the device they had agreed they wouldn’t have but that Shimmy had decided he needed for emails. If friends called Shimmy and invited him out at night, he had the energy to join them, and until extremely late. Then, of course, he would sleep in the next morning.

Chani told herself that she needed to be understanding. The marriage transition could be hard for some. Chani tried to make things more exciting. To make dinner more interesting since she wasn’t around for breakfast or lunch. She worked on herself to be more patient.

As time went on, Shimmy became more and more withdrawn. So Chani worked harder. She worked hard to keep things normal, to try and make Shimmy happy, and to draw him out and help him get back on track.

She kept working hard, because “marriage is hard work,” so that’s what you do, right? 

Moishy and Sara didn’t go out for very long before getting engaged, or see each other a lot during the engagement, but Moishy was still left wondering why he’d never noticed how negative Sara was.

It wasn’t so bad when they were first married. There were some things that Sara needed to have a certain way, and she would be in a bad mood when they weren’t, but he was told that marriage was an adjustment, that girls could be moody, and that marriage was hard work.

But a year and a half into their marriage, it still seemed like everything was a problem, including him. Even though Moishy took on everything that Sara was too overwhelmed to do (errands, cooking, housework), it was never enough. She seemed to have an endless list of complaints. Moishy also wasn’t “with it” enough for her. She thought he could be more sophisticated and worldly. She didn’t understand why he didn’t have any interest in current events or business. She found him just so “blah.”

He was a yeshivah boy, which she knew and said she wanted, but it seemed that now, it was disappointing. Sara was insistent that Moishy should start college or a business, too.

Moishy didn’t understand how he was supposed to do everything, or what had happened to the discussions they had about his learning when dating, but marriage is hard work, right? He just needed to do whatever it took to make Sara happy.

“Marriage takes sacrifice.”

Also true. But again — what are the parameters?

What should and should not be sacrificed?

Is “no” ever the right answer?

What is healthy compromise, and what crosses into unhealthy and problematic demands?

Should someone sacrifice contact with family and friends?

Should they sacrifice all their wants and needs if their spouse tells them that their own needs and wants are stronger, without expecting balance or consideration in return?

What is appropriate to be asked by a spouse to sacrifice — and what isn’t?

It started during sheva brachos.

“Do you think Mayer would have appreciated the type of chasunah we had?” Dovid asked.

Mayer was Bracha’s first chassan. It was no secret that she’d had a broken engagement before Dovid. Dovid knew about it when he’d agreed to the shidduch, but after the wedding, it seemed to create increasing difficulty for him.

Dovid brought up Mayer in theoretical comparisons several times a week, wanting the reassurance of Bracha’s relief and gratitude that she had married him and not Mayer. She couldn’t answer, “I don’t know, we never got to planning much of the wedding,” or, “He might have appreciated it.” Anything short of, “He would have hated the kind of chasunah we had, you’re so much more on my page,” would cause a fight or silent treatment.

Then, Dovid began to build on that. He needed Bracha to be different than she’d been as Mayer’s kallah because, he explained, thinking of her as someone Mayer would want to be married to made it hard for him to feel close to her. So he asked her to start dressing differently: more conservatively, less stylish, because that up-to-date look had been “Mayer’s type.”

Then he asked her to limit her time with certain friends, the friends from the circles she’d been in when she was engaged to Mayer, worried that maybe those friends had approved of her engagement to Mayer. Then he started questioning her closeness with her parents, parents who had let her get engaged to Mayer.

Each step of the way, Bracha would give in because she had been taught that marriage takes sacrifice. There was a lot she was sacrificing, but that’s what marriage took — right?

“You have the power to influence and change your spouse.”

Do we really mean that, regardless of the issue?

Are we truly placing that responsibility on our children?

Sometimes, you can influence a dynamic — but not every problem in a marriage is a dynamic, and one spouse can’t single‑handedly fix their spouse’s deeper issues. Not only is it unrealistic to teach this without parameters and careful nuance, it can set up some young people for a tremendous amount of guilt and self-blame when they inevitably can’t create significant change in another human being. The popular notion of a “surrendered” spouse being able to create change in their spouse and marriage may have its place, but it is not a universal solution. In some marriages, it has not only failed, it has created dynamics that are emotionally depleting or even dangerous.

Think of Bracha from the above scenario. She didn’t push back, because she took the lesson she learned about “marriage taking sacrifice” and applied it to everything that Dovid said he needed.

But there could also be a “Bracha” who tries to reassure Dovid that she doesn’t think of Mayer, but she holds her ground and doesn’t get snared by his hypotheticals. She sees that if she doesn’t do what Dovid asks, it causes tension and arguments in her marriage, with escalating demands in his attempt to be reassured.

Then, she hears a lecture about the power of giving in and the change it can effectuate in a spouse. So in order to change Dovid’s insecurity and make him more confident in their relationship, Bracha surrenders to all of his “needs.”

There are “Brachas” who have tried this method and achieved nothing except that they lost themselves in the process. The husband’s obsessive need to make her prove he comes first doesn’t diminish at all, because there is something more significantly problematic than insecurity at the root of this behavior. The need to dictate who she is and who she interacts with will continue, either because it is that power that he actually seeks, or because obsessive thinking is not healed with reassurance. When a woman is taught to surrender to her spouse’s needs, where are the messages about how to know when yielding is helpful and when it won’t be? Why is the person who hears this message left feeling that if it hasn’t worked, she must not be doing it right?

Why This Keeps Happening

To be fair, much of the marriage education that happens in our community is delivered separately (both before and after marriage). Those teaching girls/wives or boys/husbands about working hard, giving, and sacrificing, assume that the other side is receiving the same messages. It’s why the emphasis is on what “you” should be doing. In marriage, and marriage education, each spouse should be focused on what they should be giving, not getting.

But some people, because they have only heard what they have to do, don’t reach out, because “I’m supposed to work hard. I’m supposed to sacrifice. I’m supposed to be able to turn things around.” But this might not be the right approach when they find themselves with a spouse who isn’t putting in the work and is instead perhaps blaming, demanding, complaining, and endlessly finding fault with them. Not specifying that these messages are for both spouses can leave one with the whole burden of making a marriage work.

When the amount on the check of “marriage is hard work,” “marriage takes sacrifice,” and “you can change your spouse/marriage” is blank, it is assumed to be open-ended and infinite. That can be fine most of the time, because usually, that giving and sacrificing will be done by both. But in some unhealthy marriages, these kinds of blank-check messages are extremely detrimental.

We Can Do Better

We don’t need to frighten young people or fill their heads with negativity. We don’t need to go through case examples of what could happen. But we do need to stop handing them blank checks by not at least generally “filling in the amount” in our messages about hard work, and sacrifice.

How about, as a start:

“Marriage is hard work and does take sacrifice — from both of you.

“If you’re trying but struggling, don’t worry. Reach out to someone you trust. Couples often need some help building a strong, secure marriage. Two people, committed to this process together (and that’s what it takes), can make changes, big and small.

“If you’re unhappy in your marriage and can’t seem to make things better, if you ever feel alone in your effort to change things, or if you’re confused and overwhelmed, it doesn’t mean you’re at fault. If you’re being told the problems are all yours because you haven’t done enough, sacrificed enough, or understood how to make things right, it may mean that you need someone else who can help you make sense of what’s going on. Reaching out for help isn’t a sign of failure, but a step toward a successful marriage.” 

That message won’t undermine marriages.

It will strengthen them. It will give young people clarity, confidence, and permission to seek help and support if things aren’t going well, instead of silently drowning under the weight of misunderstood lessons. We should be giving over the messages that marriage is a two-person project that falls on both husband and wife, that struggle is common, and that needing help maintaining a healthy marriage isn’t shameful. And internalizing those messages will create stronger couples and stronger families.