Ignoring a child’s outburst may not be the best choice
S
ome children have serious issues with emotional regulation (also known as anger management). The emotionally dysregulated child has a low tolerance for feelings of frustration and disappointment. These negative emotions fuel a sequence of biochemical and neurological events in the child’s nervous system that lead to an intense behavioral explosion. The normal parental “no” can trigger an episode of yelling, kicking, throwing, cursing, and other violent actions in children who should be well past the age of temper tantrums.
“Malki really wanted me to buy her the expensive hoodie that’s in style now. She has five other hoodies that I’d already been hoodwinked into buying — no pun intended — and I wasn’t going to indulge her bottomless craving for material satisfaction, so I said ‘no.’ She started screaming how I don’t love her, how she hates me, how I never do anything for her, how I don’t care how she feels and on and on and on, peppered with stamping her feet and throwing books off the table and slamming doors. Malki is not four years old — she’s 14.”
School-age and teenage children should be able to express their unhappiness in words and then move on. Maybe they’ll try to convince their parents, asking the same question a few times in a few different ways. Maybe they’ll make a face and stomp off looking miserable. Maybe they’ll even make a sarcastic or brazen remark (“Ya, so how come you can afford to take a vacation this month?”). But they don’t become violent. There’s a difference between behavior that requires a sharp reprimand and behavior that requires professional intervention.
“If I set a limit for Dovi, he can’t take it. Like tonight, when I asked him to do his homework after dinner and he freaked out on me. He started yelling about how much he hates homework and how stupid it is and then went around attacking all the kids in the family — punching them, ripping their papers, spitting at them. He even pushed the baby down — something he’s never done before.”
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