Squabbling spouses can learn to make up without unnecessary drama
Many marriages are riddled with conflict. Oddly enough, much of the conflict many couples experience is over “nothing.” Listen to what this man has to say: “My wife hasn’t spoken to me for three days. She’s upset because I forgot to buy ketchup.”
People who live together get into patterns of repetitive communication. During a conflict, a husband says A, his wife responds with a fast B, he moves automatically to C, she tosses out D, and so on, until each is so hurt, they’re no longer on speaking terms.
It’s often the communication pattern, rather than the issue itself, that leads to the wounding.
The reconciliation process is similarly routinized through well-entrenched brain circuits. After a fight, each person sulks in his or her corner, licking wounds, ruminating about injustices perpetrated today and from the beginning of the relationship, and waiting a prescribed number of hours, days, or weeks, before a tentative reconnection can be established.
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