When My Words Cut Like a Knife

When we were in yeshivah ketanah and our rebbi announced a bechinah, my classmates and I always peppered him with the same three questions:

1. “Will the bechinah be open Gemara or closed Gemara?” We always thought the open Gemara bechinos would be easier, because if we didn’t know an answer, we could simply look it up. Of course, those bechinos were always much harder. If we didn’t understand the Gemara well before the bechinah, being able to open the Gemara wasn’t much help.
2. “Will the bechinah be multiple choice or fill-in-the-blank?” We always preferred the multiple-choice bechinos, because if we didn’t know an answer, we could always guess. And maybe we would get lucky. Of course, those bechinos were always more challenging, since at least two answers sounded correct, making the choice very difficult.
3. “When Rebbi grades our bechinos, will he be giving ‘partial credit’?” What did “partial credit” mean? If the correct answer was “Reish Lakish,” and we wrote “Rabi Yochanan,” it meant we understood the sugya, but simply got confused as to who said what. And we could then expect to receive some credit for our partial understanding of the Gemara.

Just as we wanted to receive partial credit from our rebbi when he graded our test papers, we all need to learn to give partial credit to our family members whenever they try to please us or satisfy our wishes. If a wife, for example, prepares a sandwich for her husband, and inadvertently leaves out the lettuce and tomato, she is still entitled to his appreciation for making his lunch. And if a husband comes home from shopping and forgot to buy the eggs, he is still entitled to his wife’s appreciation for buying all the other items on her list.

Husbands and wives, of course, are not the only ones who need to learn how to dispense partial credit. Children must express gratitude to parents even when they don’t get everything they want. And, yes, even parents should grant partial credit to their children.

As a psychotherapist, I know what some of you are thinking now. “Hold on, Wikler. You may be going a bit too far with this partial credit business. Are you suggesting that I can’t expect my spouse to improve? I can’t be mechanech my children when they miss the mark? That doesn’t sound very Torahdig to me!”