My Self-Expression Is Being Stifled

In Mishpacha’s recent serial, All I Ask, by Ruti Kepler, I was immediately drawn to the main character Yanky. You see, I’m a female Yanky. I, too, was born and raised within a particular framework of a closed chassidish community. And that’s where I learned what I can be, but also what I cannot be.

It’s a warm and vibrant community and there’s a lot to admire and appreciate. But there’s no room within it for my own unique style of growth, my own flavor of the spiritual, my own version of being a bas Yisrael and eved Hashem.

I am not disillusioned. My faith is strong and my connection to Hashem is real and deep, but I am sad and frustrated. Sad that I cannot express my individuality within this community and frustrated because my self-expression is being stifled.

As a thinking adult, if I could step back and actually choose, I know which lifestyle, which community, Rav, and shul would add richness to my life and complement my goals in ruchniyos. But the expectation is that we stay within the community into which we were born. We don’t choose differently, so no waves are made and no heads turn to see somebody who marches to the beat of her own drummer.