Care to Share? — The Conversation Continues  

I’m humbled by the stream of response to our discussion about privacy. I’m also impressed by the intensity of feeling and depth of thought readers give the topic.

Apropos discretion versus openness, not all questions that came our way can be treated appropriately or responsibly in a public forum. That’s not to say that the topics raised aren’t important. If your ideas aren’t aired below, please don’t back down, but turn to a rav, rebbetzin, or professional to have your questions privately addressed.

In Need, Indeed

I was recently going through turbulence in my marriage and was keeping it quiet, since so many kallah teachers stress that we should refrain from talking to parents and friends about marriage issues and rather stick to mentors or professionals. I had no teacher or rebbetzin whom I was close to and would feel comfortable to talk to about such a personal part of my life, so I was trying to deal with it on my own and hoping things would settle down quickly. They didn’t. Eventually I opened up to a friend, and it was the best decision I could have made. She made me feel so normal and encouraged me to reach out to a therapist she knew. I decided to trust her recommendation, and once I started therapy, I couldn’t be happier. My therapist is everything I needed to help me pull through. I’m now seeing her over a year, and sometimes I wonder what my life would look like had I not opened up to my friend. Would my struggle have spiraled out of control? Would swallowing my pain have led to unhealthy coping mechanisms that would take time to undo? Would I have given up from lack of support? Probably. In the beginning I wondered if I was doing the right thing by talking to my friend; but looking back, I no longer have any doubts.

You’re so lucky to have a wise friend to turn to. Judiciously confiding in a peer is wonderful. It doesn’t sound like you became overly dependent on this one friend, nor did she overstep her jurisdiction with assessment and advice that was beyond her abilities.

The advice to young marrieds to approach someone outside of their close family and social circle has strong basis. No one loves you more than your parents, but because of that, when a couple struggles, so do their parents. Naturally, it’s difficult for a parent to be an impassive or objective facilitator for many reasons. Still, this isn’t a fast and hard rule. Many successfully turn to their parents, and each case should be judged on a stand-alone basis. As for friends, as great as they are, they often lack the experience and maturity to advise. At times, details are indiscriminately shared further. In your case, your friend sounds solid, and clearly you did the right thing.

Would you agree that it’s not always necessary to seek out a paid professional, and sometimes a person going through something difficult just needs a friend in her life to support and empathize and help her weather the hard times? When that person is on the same page as you and is going through something similar, you form a type of “support group.”