Escape the marriage comparison trap
Shulamis is surprised that marriage is such an adjustment. Yussie is so mild-mannered and refined. It’s just that he just looks at life very differently from the way she does and doesn’t accept certain truths she holds to be self-evident (like the need for household help once a week). Marriage feels heavy to her.
Chana got married about the same time as Shulamis, and is often spotted on the “Avenue” with her husband Rafi, the two of them sipping coffees and giggling together. Shulamis wonders if Chana and Rafi are a better fit than she and Yussie are. She sighs wistfully as she goes home to make the meat and potatoes dinner she doesn’t particularly like, but which Yussie requested. She wonders what Chana and Rafi are having for supper (sushi, she speculates).
Comparing ourselves to others is a universal activity. When we’re young, we compare our grades to our classmates’; we compare the gift we received from Zeidy and Bubby to the gifts our siblings got. We use comparison as a tool to assess our own achievements and how we’re viewed by others. As we mature, we learn to compare ourselves to others as a way of monitoring that we’re socially appropriate. There’s even a theory in psychology, developed in the 1950s, called Social Comparison Theory, which is the idea that individuals determine their own social and personal worth based on how they stack up against others. I walk into shul, or the school dinner, or a simchah and look at what other women are wearing, checking that I didn’t overdress or underdress. I make a few calls to other mothers in my son’s class before Chanukah, comparing the gift I had in mind to buy for the rebbi with what others are giving, so I know it’s within the acceptable range.
Comparison is a function of judgment. The mitzvah of “b’tzedek tishpat amisecha,” to judge others favorably, presumes that we are judging, and tells us it’s incumbent on us to filter those judgments through a positive lens, finding reasons people are innocent and good, rather than guilty and bad.
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