Cousin Rivalry

Q:

I’m the mother of three school-age children and an active toddler. My husband’s family is planning a summer vacation for all the young couples, and I’m dreading it. My three-year-old nephew picks on my two-year-old son constantly. He bullies him, hits him, throws toys at him. My son is smaller and younger than this cousin, and he isn’t able to defend himself. The worst part is my sister-in-law does nothing to stop her son from harassing mine. Her brand of “chinuch” is very laid-back and “kids will be kids.” It drives me crazy that she does nothing to stop him, and there’s nothing I can do, either.

I almost feel like it’s not worth it for me to go on this vacation if I have to spend the whole time jumping up to defend my son. Is there anything I can do or say to my sister-in-law or my nephew to manage this situation?

A:

From what you’re saying, your sister-in-law’s philosophy of parenting differs from your own. She doesn’t believe in intervening — at least as long as her child isn’t the victim of bullying! Since she doesn’t even attempt to stop her son’s aggressive behavior, it doesn’t seem likely that she’ll be open to hearing parenting suggestions from you. She sees what he does and chooses to look the other way; if you ask her to intervene, it’s quite likely she’ll be annoyed, offended, or put off in some other way. Then you’ll be left with her son still bullying your own and you’ll also have a possible conflict with an unhappy sister-in-law!

Also, if you correct your nephew in front of your sister-in-law, you again risk offending her. But if you correct him when she’s not at the scene of the incident, then he may complain to her later on about your “mean” treatment of him.

It might be possible to train him to be nice to your son, giving him candy to share for example, and then praising him profusely for sharing so nicely and being such a great cousin. This “CLeaR Method” approach (comment, label, reward) is a positive way to increase appropriate behavior and is far more pleasant than reprimanding, redirecting, or disciplining. Moreover, since you’re not really free to discipline the youngster, it may be your only option for behavioral change.

Although the CLeaR Method usually works well, the speed and efficacy of the strategy also depends on the nature of the child and the extenuating circumstances. It may be, for example, that this little boy has a complicated nature that causes him to seek negative attention. It could also be that because you have limited time and influence, the bullying will continue despite your best efforts at redirection and positive feedback.