Can perfectionism be healthy?
There seems to be an emphasis on “perfectionism” in the frum world. I’m wondering if this is based on the Torah idea of self-improvement or is a reflection of the industrialization of the self-help movement and the Western world’s emphasis on looking and being perfect under the guise of becoming “your best self.” When people talk about “perfecting one’s middos,” is this a healthy, realistic concept or does it promote perfectionism and even obsessiveness? We tell all our boys they can be the next gadol. But if they aren’t — then what? Our girls feel they must be ultra-skinny in order to avoid being seen as absolutely obese. Are we setting up ourselves and our children for lives of stress and self-loathing? I would love to hear your thoughts.
It’s true that attitudes in the secular world are fueling a multibillion-dollar industry focused on self-improvement. And constant exposure to the illusion of perfectionism on social media has caused people to feel enormous pressure to improve their appearance, develop better careers, become wealthier, and be more physically fit. Members of our own community may not always get their drive for such things from social media, but they certainly get it from Jewish media, as well as from their friends, family, neighbors, and communities.
Our quest for perfection isn’t limited to the material realm. We also want to be known as the one who is the most learned, most popular, most spiritually evolved, most giving, most outstanding human being! In fact, when it comes to personal development, the Torah itself supports and encourages the spirit of competition, noting that jealousy is considered permitted, even constructive and beneficial, when it leads a person to emulate or exceed another person in Torah knowledge, good deeds, or good middos. So we might say that there is a “kosher” form of perfectionism!
But the average person is average. While he or she probably shines in some area, regular human beings are not anywhere near perfect, and those who are exceptional in some way are simply that — exceptional — not the norm. This fact can lead many strivers to become discouraged and despairing, even depressed, when it becomes obvious that they will not attain their unrealistic personal goals. This is your precise concern: that imposing unrealistic standards and goals may have harmful effects on our children.
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