Defensive people will try anything to protect their self-image and not show any “weakness.”
Having disagreements and differences in opinion are all normal parts of marriage. The issue isn’t if you engage in these more unpleasant interactions, it’s how you engage in them. Previously, I mentioned John and Julie Gottman’s “four horsemen” — four behaviors that lead to deep strife in a marriage: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
One of those seems almost inborn to all of us; we can observe it early on in a person’s development. It might be the most natural go-to mechanism in our adult relationships: defensiveness.
Child A: You spilled the milk all over the desk! Now my drawing is wet!
Child B: Na-uh! You put your paper too close to my cup! You spilled my drink!
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