In general, and across all ages, the good-feeling forms of education are always the most effective and least harmful
I should probably know the answer to this, but I feel like I need to make the theoretical ideas fit into my life, and I’m wondering if you could guide me. My oldest just turned 18 (I have a few kids after that, so I’m asking for the future too). I’m aware that by your standards, I should be having 90 percent positive interactions with him. However, after that I’m a little lost — does that mean my job as a parent is mostly over? I just watch them learn from their mistakes on their own? Are corrections ever in order? If I remember correctly, you count requests for help in the 10 percent negative interactions, so that leaves almost no room for chinuch or guidance. Does the Torah specify an age when we step back? Any insight would be appreciated.
The late-teen-young-adult stage of development presents a definite parenting challenge. While those over 20 are held responsible by the Heavenly Court for their own behavior, parents are still allowed to offer loving guidance throughout life. However, the style of such parental guidance must definitely change as the child matures. This is why the 80-20 Rule that pertains to kids under 12 (80 percent of parental communications should feel good to the child) becomes the 90-10 Rule for teens, and the 95-5 Rule for adults (including your spouse).
This does not mean that we are finished educating older kids. The techniques, however, change over the years. For example, let’s imagine a scenario in which we are trying to teach a particular eight-year-old the value of honesty. The child has been lying routinely, and although we’ve been talking about and reinforcing honesty for months (with both praise and rewards), the lies have continued.
We decide to intensify our educational approach by adding negative consequences for the behavior, depriving the child of a prized privilege or possession whenever caught in a lie. We find that the child becomes more devious at first but then, after a consistent exposure to reasonable negative consequences, finally realizes the practical benefits of honesty.
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