“Every Time We Spend Time, I Feel Inadequate”

Mrs. Yael Kaisman is an educator and kiruv professional who counsels individuals and couples in Lakewood, NJ.

Before we discuss this relationship, let’s discuss dreams and their places in our lives. Let’s recognize them for what they are: she’ifos are wonderful and produce something great — they help us maximize our development. They don’t guarantee what Hashem hands us or the results.

Sometimes, those dreams are based on external, social indicators of success. That tricks us into thinking that they’re ruchniyus-based, but when we peel away layers, we might find that external pressure can be a bigger factor than we realized. In addition, women who dream of long-term learners often hope that the dedication of the learning years will translate into their husbands becoming roshei yeshivah or maggidei shiur.

Yet it doesn’t seem that Hashem wants every single husband to be a lifetime learner. He guides us to a different path via the circumstances He sends us, or through our discovery of our or our husbands’ realities. He redirects us from our dreams because he doesn’t need us in that role — He (kivyachol) needs us for something else.