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I’m writing in response to the Inbox letter, “Their Pain Is Valid Too,” which was responding to a perspective about how to relate to people with eating disorders. The letter noted that the children and families of people with eating disorders are entitled to their perspective, and that their pain is just as valid as the person who is suffering.
This is of course true, but I think it’s a point we all grapple with. Can the husband of someone who’s mentally ill share how difficult his wife’s illness is for him, or is that unfair to his wife? Can the siblings of a cancer patient complain about their pain, or should they be silent in the face of their sister’s?
I’ve found psychologist Susan Silk’s Ring Theory to be a very helpful guide. Picture a set of rings. The person facing the trauma is in the middle. In the ring next to her are her closest family members. The next ring has close friends and extended family; the next ring has their larger circle of acquaintances, etc. This is, as per Silk, “the kvetching order.”
The person in the middle can say anything to anyone — her “one payoff,” Silk says, for the trauma. But others can only vent or complain to someone in a larger ring. When talking to someone in a smaller ring, who’s closer to the center of the crisis, they can only offer help or support. “Comfort in, dump out,” Silk says.
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