Moderated by Faigy Peritzman
We live in an apartment building, and there are two other apartments on our floor. One is occupied by an elderly widow and the other by a couple in their mid-forties who have two very young children, plus a bunch of teenagers from their previous marriages.
I often ask my ten- and eleven-year-old sons to help the widow take out her garbage and carry up her groceries. I have two goals with this: first, to assist her, and second, to teach my children the concept of chesed and to develop their generosity “muscles.”
Yet often, I find myself in a quandary with both these reasons. Last Erev Shabbos, my other neighbor knocked on our door not long before Shabbos, when my sons were in the middle of their chores. He said he’s going away for Shabbos and, because it’s so hot, asked if my boys could help him carry his suitcases and other paraphernalia to the car.
When my sons came back from helping him, they commented that he often asks them to take out the garbage, or carry something up to an upstairs neighbor so he doesn’t have to walk up the stairs. My seven-year-old daughter piped in that he’d asked her to carry something the other day and it had been very heavy and hard for her.
There’s something about my neighbor’s behavior that makes me very uncomfortable. He seems like a strong, able-bodied man and doesn’t need the help, rather he’s being lazy, and is taking advantage of my children by getting them to do his dirty work.
I personally have great difficulty asking for help and saying no to people, so I feel I can’t assess what the right approach to this should be. I don’t want my children to learn to harden their hearts by refusing to assist someone, and I don’t want to teach them chutzpah by encouraging them to say “no” when an adult makes a request of them. On the other hand, I think it’s very important for their well-being that they don’t become shmattehs, and should be able to discern when they’re helping someone in need and when they’re enabling someone’s flaws. Any guidance would be much appreciated.
Rabbi Avishai David is the rosh yeshivah of Yeshivas Toras Shraga in Yerushalayim as well as the Rav of Beis Knesses Beis Tefilah Yona Avrohom in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef.
You’re expressing a fundamental Torah principle. The overriding goal of a Torah lifestyle is to incorporate chesed into our lives. Chazal tell us that the Torah begins with chesed and ends with chesed — opening with Hashem clothing Adam and Chavah, and closing with Hashem burying Moshe Rabbeinu.
The Gemara in Sotah tells us, “Ma hu, af atah — just as He is, you should be.” We have an obligation to emulate Hashem, and we should try to do chesed, just as He does.
Your overarching goal of instilling the middah of chesed within your children is excellent. It’s always better to err on the side of chesed. Even if it’s not the ideal balance, you’re never going to lose out.
On the other hand, I’ve been involved in the world of chinuch and rabbanus for over 48 years, and I understand your dilemma. We don’t want our children to be exploited. We want to instill in them a sense of fair play and the ability to make nuanced decisions distinguishing between those who are and aren’t worthy of being recipients of our chesed.
