Been There [Inbox / Issue 881]
As a single girl in my early thirties who not only permits my younger siblings to get married, but actively encourages them to do so, I’d like to add the following perspectives and food for thought to the discussion following the Matchquest about the topic.
- Is it hard to let your younger siblings get married before you? Maybe, maybe not. That will depend on your unique kochos hanefesh. But I can only imagine how much harder it would be to prevent my siblings from getting married and living their desired lives! I would never wish to deny my parents any nachas, and I shudder to think what my family life would look like if my younger siblings weren’t married. They were supposed to get married before me and have children first. My nieces and nephews are adorable, and I couldn’t imagine our lives without them!
- Try to have an open mindset. In other communities and backgrounds the submitted dilemma wouldn’t be a question. An older child being married or not wouldn’t come into the equation or be a factor toward a younger child dating and getting married first. Of course, daas Torah should be consulted, and from the conversations I’ve had with my rabbanim, I’d rather be like Aharon HaKohein who saw and rejoiced in his heart regarding the leadership position of his younger brother, Moshe, than emulate Lavan’s get-out-of-jail answer to Yaakov about his approach to marrying off his daughters. Yiddishkeit involves observing 613 mitzvos, 613 responsibilities; it’s not about standing up for one’s rights.
- The Hebrew word mafteiach, key, is an acronym for the four keys that Hashem holds: mem for matar, pei for parnassah, tav for techiyas hameisim, and ches for chayah. Since marriage is the methodology through which to bring children into the world, it should be clear to all that one’s journey to the chuppah is one determined for them by Hashem. As such, it is no surprise that some people who have a lot of “baggage,” for lack of any better word, get married younger and others who may have “aleh maalos” wait a while. One’s journey won’t last one minute longer or shorter than that which Hashem wants. You don’t want your siblings’ spouses or their children either. You want what is right for you. Therefore, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by allowing and being happy for your siblings to get married before you, and by doing so emulating the middah of vatranus and bringing nachas ruach to Hashem.
One last thing, while some may find it hard, I often take myself out of my own head, heart, and shoes and wonder what it must feel like to be the younger sibling. It’s surely very difficult for them, too. The nisayon — I say the nisayon and not my nisayon, as it is a shared challenge for us all — affects them, too, as they wanted and davened for me to get married first. My pain is their pain. They daven for me daily. And b’ezras Hashem, we’ll dance together at many simchahs to come!
Anonymous
Imperfect and Proud [Inbox / Issue 881]
I’d like to follow up on the discussion following Sara Eisemann’s amazing response to “Brokenhearted Mother,” who felt pain at having her younger daughter start dating while she had an older sister in shidduchim. I’m a mother who survived marrying her younger daughter off before the older one and our family is still thriving. The author’s reference to Lavan as someone who we certainly don’t take advice from, and Rochel who we literally cry to, was brilliant.
Baruch Hashem we asked daas Torah when a shidduch that was very appropriate for my younger daughter came up. We were told to move forward, but of course not before my older daughter gave reshus. This was obviously my younger daughter’s zivug, and we celebrated her wedding a few months later. I’m not saying this was easy for our family, but we treated everyone with respect, as Sara Eisemann stressed, because this is of the utmost importance.
