“Enough talking about overworking yourself just to impress your husband. He should be in this with you!”
I really enjoyed the feature on parental involvement in shanah rishonah, but found that the conversation revolving around meals and Shabbos missed the point.
I think the important point that was missed is, whose responsibility is it? A married child can spend every Shabbos with parents and be totally independent, or never eat at home and be totally dependent. It’s crucial to realize that Shabbos plans (and everything else, too) are the responsibility of the couple, no matter how busy or overwhelmed they are. That doesn’t mean they can’t ask for help! But if for some reason you can’t host them, it’s not your responsibility to find them alternate plans.
I think we run into problems of codependence, unhealthy enmeshment, or infantilizing when the parents feel their married children’s lives are their responsibility. And yes, this starts when they’re young. A parent who has been taking charge of their child’s life from a young age won’t know how to stop so easily when they marry. When your child has homework, or a report for school — do you say “we” have to work on your assignment? Or do you say, “Oh, you have an assignment? Let me know if you need my help.” Do you spoon-feed a toddler who can feed themself? Arrange playdates for a child old enough to use the phone?
I’m not saying every single thing a child can do for themselves, they must. Chesed is our deepest value, and chesed starts at home. We can do chesed for our own children — but it’s so crucial to be aware that the parent is helping to do things that are the child’s responsibility alone.
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