Gray Zones

One of the things that makes parenting so challenging is that parents have to make a lot of decisions that fall into the “gray zone.” The “black and white” questions are easy to deal with: on Shabbos, we don’t drive to the zoo; at the checkout counter, we don’t buy the nonkosher candy bars, and so on. Parents announce their “black and white” verdicts with a confidence that children immediately discern and respect.

However, when in the gray zone, the ambivalent parental reply is also immediately perceived. The slight wave of uncertainty reflected in the subtle change in skin pallor, respiration rate, and head tilt of the parent is not lost on the child: there’s an opening here for endless debate. “Mommy is wavering; we can surely wear her down!”

Take this example: “My husband and I are struggling about how to handle this issue with our teens. We’re not sure whether we should insist they comply with government rules regarding social distancing.

“The law here is that indoor social visits aren’t allowed. But my teens are in school with their friends all day, and they feel it doesn’t make sense that they aren’t allowed to go to the same people’s homes after school.