Live and Learn: the conversation continues

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here’s been a lot of feedback to the feature that examined the challenges of returning home from seminary prematurely. A number of the letters highlighted situations I suspect many may be facing. As Bassi Gruen told me, “for every letter that came in, there could be another hundred girls with the same issue. Write a follow-up.” Here it is.

Live and Learn

Isn’t it what’s inside that counts?

My family expected me to “frum out” in seminary — but I didn’t. They comment and joke when I do things they expected I’d avoid after seminary. Should I use this as a springboard to meet to their expectations and “prove them wrong”? I may have not changed much on the surface, but I grew internally!

Taking things on to prove others wrong is never a good idea; growth needs to be internally motivated. It’s difficult to deal with people’s disappointment, but the real trouble here is that you sound disappointed in yourself.

I’m curious as to what you mean by changing internally but not externally. Real internal change usually impacts us externally, albeit sometimes subtly. If you love holiness, you act holier. If you love Torah, you act more Torahdig. If someone has stronger feelings about Yiddishkeit, that’s awesome. But if they haven’t improved their mitzvos, it’s like taxiing the plane to the runway and not taking off.

When someone maintains she’s changed inside but not on the surface, those are often code words to convey that her tzniyus isn’t where she hoped it would be. That’s very much not a superficial issue.