W
omen are known for being “softies.” Men, not so much. Gender differences are not hard and fast rules, of course; some men are tender-hearted while some women are tough as nails. However, I’ve seen a particular gender-based dynamic play out consistently over my decades of counseling — the father is the designated “bad guy.” The story usually goes something like this:
The children complain to their mother that they can’t talk to their father because he’s so mean or they don’t like their father because he’s so uncommunicative or they feel tense around their father because he’s so disapproving. He’s harsh, critical, demanding, and sometimes punitive. The unhappy child or children may feel “picked on” or may be nervous or uncomfortable around him.
This man — the father of these children and the husband of their mother — usually has no idea that the children have such a negative view of him. He’s too busy finding fault with them. In his mind, this one’s rude, that one’s lazy, and the rest of them aren’t respectful or helpful enough. He feels they don’t treat him properly and he blames his wife for spoiling them.
The wife is caught between her spouse and her offspring. She feels bad for the children because she understands their complaints. She has some of them herself — she also finds her husband to be negative and critical. She feels they’re not to blame; their father really isn’t sensitive enough to their feelings.
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