Set family members up for success by giving them explicit, doable instructions
E
veryone loves to succeed. When we can help our loved ones succeed, we prosper as much as they do because we cash in on their success. For instance, when we can gain our child’s compliance by teaching him how to listen and cooperate, our parenting is easier and more pleasant. When we help our spouse succeed, we naturally reap the benefits, whether he’s fulfilling his obligations, helping us out, giving us the attention we crave, or co-parenting in a way that we trust and appreciate. Their success is ours, and it only makes sense that we should do everything possible to foster it.
“When we go shopping, I tell my kids ahead of time what I will and will not get them in the store. I don’t want them screaming for items that I have to say ‘no’ to. I often get them a small treat to reward cooperation on the way out (after they’ve cooperated!) but even if I don’t, I find that just by telling them what’s going to happen before we go into the store, they know what to expect, and things go quite well.”
Many times, we assume that a child or spouse should just “know” what we expect. When they don’t deliver, we get upset. However, we need to remember that they’d never expose themselves to our wrath on purpose — it’s just as unpleasant for them as it is for us. Even though they might have suspected or even known full well that their behavior was out of line, they may not have realized how important the issue was for us. We failed to convey beforehand that we would feel great distress if our standards weren’t attained.
“I knew from past experience that if I didn’t spell out exactly what I meant by ‘clean the room,’ I wasn’t likely to get it. So now I’m really clear. I tell them that I don’t want anything left on the floor except the carpet, every book has to be put back in the book box, every blanket has to be folded, and so on. It takes a few minutes to give all the details, but I’m rewarded generously for that small investment of time and effort by a beautifully tidied room.”
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