“My Husband and I Disagree on What Is ‘Private Information'”

Shortly after I got married, I realized that what’s considered “private information” is totally different for my husband than for me.

My husband and his friends are all comfortable complaining about their wives to each other. Every time my husband comes home and repeats a conversation to me, I wonder what his friends are telling their wives about me. He also sends his family videos or pictures in which I’m not looking my best (to put it mildly), or relays a “funny” anecdote to his family that makes me look bad.

All this feels like a violation of trust. In my world, anything that paints your spouse in a bad light (that is, if it makes the spouse feel uncomfortable) is not okay. My husband is a lot more chilled in this area, and when I make comments or ask him to stop, he says I’m being uptight. What can I do?

We all have different definitions of, preferences for, and concerns about, privacy. To enter into a debate with one’s spouse about whether it is right or wrong to keep family anecdotes and photos private is to head down the wrong path. The right and wrong aspects of the issue can be accessed through rabbinic guidance where one can find rulings on what is permitted to relay to others and what isn’t. The Torah itself shows great sensitivity to people, as is reflected in the laws of refraining from embarrassing others, refraining from speaking or listening to lashon hara, refraining from hurting other peoples’ feelings with words, and so on. So if it’s a ruling that you are seeking, then perhaps your husband would be willing to sit down with your rav to discuss the issue.