If someone shuts down every time they are upset, how can you help them find their voice?
“My sister and I regularly go through these periods where we just stop talking to each other. Some sort of mess-up or misunderstanding will happen, and she’ll get insulted. That starts it. Next thing you know, she’s not talking to me. So I don’t talk to her.
“I know it sounds silly — we’re both grown women — but I learned a long time ago that there’s no point in trying to pull her out of her shell. I just wait until she starts acting normal again. Sometimes it takes months.”
So why do some people talk endlessly when they’re angry and others can’t talk at all? And what happens when these two types marry each other?
“When Ahuva gets upset with me, she always wants to discuss it. For her this means sitting down and going over all the details of some ‘crime’ I committed, explaining how hurt she is and analyzing my motives. She’s not interested in an actual discussion because if I want to say anything, she’ll just use whatever I say to go on another tirade. Now I don’t bother speaking. And that also drives her crazy! She always ends up screaming at me, ‘Why are you just sitting there? Why don’t you SAY something?’ We’ve been married 23 years and this has always been our pattern.”
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