“My Son Needs Everything to Be Equal”

My son needs everything to be equal. He has always been a scorekeeper. He wants — actually, demands — that everything be fair and even. Which it can’t possibly be. And his memory is a steel trap — he will remember who took out the garbage the past 15 times and explain mathematically why it shouldn’t be him this time.

We often just do things the way he wants them done because it’s so draining to do anything else. But I know this isn’t good for him in the long run.

What steps can I take to help him become more flexible and let go of the constant scorekeeping?

Your son is not the only one with this personality trait! The tendency to need fairness and justice seems to be inborn. Just like some kids are flexible and easy-going from infancy, there are others whose brains seem to routinely get stuck. Some are strong-willed and simply must have things go their way. Some need things to look, feel, or taste “just right.” And there are some who need things to be exactly fair. Frequently, a child has all of these types of “stuckness” simultaneously. When this happens, it is a challenge both to be that youngster and to live with him.