“My Three-Year-Old’s Many Fears”

Q

I was wondering if you have any advice on what I can do with my three-year-old who is experiencing many fears. Sometimes my son will simply tell me he’s afraid of something (a shadow in his room, a teddy bear, clowns, etc.), but once in a while I see his body shaking. How can I empower him while being validating at the same time?

A

I really like your question because you include two very important aspects of the treatment of fear: empowerment and validation. Whether a three-year-old or 60-year-old is experiencing panicky feelings, the steps to recovery will be similar. Let’s take a look at what’s involved.

Anxiety itself is a vulnerable feeling. When your three-year-old son experiences it, he may just be feeling the way very small and very young — truly vulnerable — people feel in the world. It’s hard for a little person to know what a shadow is, why it’s moving, what danger it might portend. A toy bear may provoke discomfort much the same way as a dead stuffed snake might for a normal adult ( visit the reptilian section of your local nature museum to see how comfortable you might feel sleeping beside certain lifeless creatures). Clowns are just plain creepy unless you’re already very familiar with the harmless friendliness that lays underneath the shocking, bizarre-looking painted face.

Therefore, validation is very much in order. “Yes, that does look a bit scary!” In fact, if an adult woman feels repulsion, discomfort, or fear when viewing the gigantic sneering dead snake in the museum, she’d do well to speak to her own inner three-year-old in the same way: “Yes, that’s a scary looking creature!” Validation coming from within or without allows the child (or the child part within an adult) to relax a little. The inner child in us says, Someone understands and can relate to my problem! I’m in good hands! I can trust this person to help me.

This is the opposite of the conclusion we reach when we’re invalidated. “Oh, there’s nothing to be afraid of! See? It’s just a toy (dead animal).” The child concludes: Clearly this person doesn’t get it, and therefore, clearly, I can’t trust her to help me through my crisis. Validation — acknowledging that a feeling makes sense — helps build the trust necessary to move from feeling vulnerable to feeling empowered.