Q:

I’m a mother of an almost-three-year-old and a 15-month-old. My older child frequently hurts my baby. It seems that whenever she walks by, she either punches her, throws her down, or steps on her. I’m completely at a loss. I’ve tried everything — from being strict and punishing her to using positive reinforcement and even ignoring her behavior while giving attention to my baby.

Nothing seems to work.

I would love to know of a strategy that I can consistently apply and feel confident that I’m doing the right thing.

A:

Let’s start with the easiest thing first — the answer to your search for a strategy you can “consistently apply and feel confident that I’m doing the right thing.” When it comes to raising human beings, you must give up on that idea! Although you can certainly consistently apply parenting strategies, you can never feel confident that you’re doing the “right” thing — at least not in the sense that you’ve selected the correct strategy for a particular parenting issue.

It’s all a matter of prayer and Hashem’s intervention. Two moms can use the exact same reasonable intervention and get polar opposite results because their kids have different personalities and/or abilities and/or histories and so on. The closest you can come to certainty in parenting strategies is in being satisfied that the intervention you employed was a reasonable one to try. In fact, the three you mentioned trying already all sound reasonable as possible responses to your toddler’s aggression. From that point of view, you’ve already done “the right thing.” In other words, just because your technique isn’t working doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing!

Now let’s get to the more complicated issue: How are you going to get this child to stop hurting your baby? To answer this question, let’s review some general principles. Let’s remember, for starters, that three-year-olds are just barely at the age of chinuch (educability). Strategies that work with school-aged children aren’t suitable for two-year-olds. While negative consequences may be helpful to stop a nine-year-old’s aggressive behavior, they may have the exact opposite effect on a two- or three-year-old child.

However, every child is a unique being, such that there are some 18-month-olds who benefit from mild negative consequences. You have to try the technique to know whether or not your little one will respond. Just keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with her or your technique if she doesn’t.