Not Alone but Lonely

Not Alone but Lonely

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

Loneliness is a painful feeling. Ironically, we can sometimes feel this way even when we’re surrounded by people. Approximately half of adults feel lonely these days. Social media, which promotes the illusion of relationships, has contributed to this phenomenon, as has Covid, which has led to the rise of remote working and telehealth.

It’s especially painful to feel lonely in one’s marriage. About one in three spouses report that they feel lonely in their marriages, data that reinforces the concept that you don’t need to be alone to feel lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind that has little to do with physical proximity. You might be spending time with your spouse, but this doesn’t mean that you can’t feel lonely even in their presence. These feelings can lead you to feel empty, unwanted, or misunderstood by your significant other.

What contributes to feelings of loneliness in your marriage?

1. Family and work: One of the most common reasons that causes couples to drift apart is familial or professional pressure. When you are both struggling to meet the demands of caring for children, working, and juggling other responsibilities, you may feel like you never have time to spend together.
2. Stressful events: Sometimes the challenges that couples face together can create rifts in a relationship. A stressful or traumatic event can put a strain on even the strongest of relationships, but it can feel even more difficult if it magnifies or exposes weaknesses in your marriage. If you feel that your spouse is not acting sympathetic or understanding, you may find yourself feeling abandoned and lonely even after the stressful event is resolved.
3. Unrealistic expectations: In some cases, feelings of loneliness may have less to do with one’s spouse and more to do with other emotional needs that are not being met. When people don’t take care to nurture their social or emotional needs, they may wind up expecting too much from their spouses and feel disappointed when he or she is not able to give them everything they need.
4. Lack of vulnerability: When we share openly and honestly, we can have the opportunity to feel known by our spouses. This means sharing deeper emotions — including dreams and fears — with your spouse. If emotional intimacy is missing, then it’s more difficult to feel connected and understood by your spouse.
5. Comparisons with others: Comparing your marriage to what you (think you) see in other marriages also contributes to feelings of loneliness.
6. Different emotional IQs: This is a challenging one, because it is possible that one spouse needs more than the other spouse can give. In this instance, it’s important to modify expectations and support oneself in other ways.
7. Changes in family rhythm: A house full of kids and one in which the children are all in camp or yeshivah/seminary or building their own homes will each have their own rhythms. The change can sometimes cause loneliness, as can the transition from super busy times of year (think Yom Tov or simchahs) to quieter times. Naming and being aware of the change in dynamic can give some context to these feelings.

What to do?

Talk to your spouse: The first step is to talk to your spouse about what you’re feeling. If they are also experiencing this, it’s likely you can work on it together to reconnect. If the feeling is more one-sided, it may indicate something that should be addressed within yourself or possibly an emotional limitation of yours.