Common ways daters self-sabotage—and strategies to get past the hurdles
When faced with another failed shidduch, some daters simply dismiss it as “not bashert” and move on. And that may be the case. Sometimes, though, they’re the one preventing shidduchim from moving forward. Two seasoned dating mentors, who are also psychotherapists, share the self-sabotaging behaviors they see most often — and strategies for getting past them
“I don’t know what to do,” Shevy* told us with a sigh. “I’m ready to go on a fourth date with Eli, but out of the blue I got a ‘yes’ from Shmuel. I’ve been dying to go out with him for two years. He’s everything I want, and if I don’t meet him now, he’ll date the next girl. What if it doesn’t work out with Eli? I can’t lose this chance.”
During the decades we’ve been mentoring daters, we’ve seen this scenario unfold countless times. “Shevy, you’re telling us that even though things have been going well with Eli, you’re ready to drop him because your fantasy life with Shmuel might come true. What’s wrong with this picture?”
“You tell me,” Shevy responded defensively. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong. Eli’s a nice guy, and there’s no reason for me to stop seeing him. But there’s also nothing to keep me there. And Shmuel’s exactly what I’m looking for. I’ve been waiting for a ‘yes’ for so long.”
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