Second Guessing Responses

Last week:

I want to message Tzipora back that yes, next year, let’s split the carpool differently, but something stops me.

Miri is just a girl. A girl with a terrible attitude, yes. But just a girl. Can we do this to her? Can we do this to her mother?

But the thought of driving her for another two years adds a weariness to my shoulders that I really don’t need.

I decide to give myself a few days to think about it, but I know I’m running out of time: Carpool kinks are starting to be ironed out for next year, and if I don’t make a decision, Tzipora might just form something without me.

What to do?

She’s Just a Kid

No matter how obnoxious, Miri is just a kid. Basya and Tzipora are adults. If her mother is a nice person who keeps up her end of the carpooling duties, then it’s not fair to kick her out just because her child is obnoxious. If you were driving a carpool of two-year-olds and one of them kvetched for the whole 20 minutes, would you kick them out? (Assuming they weren’t making the other kids cry?) An adult should be able to tolerate 20 minutes of unpleasant behavior once or twice a week.

If you want, you could have a talk with her mother and maybe she could get her daughter to behave more appropriately. Or you could announce a 20 minute machsom l’fi for the duration of the ride. (Seriously! As a zechus for ______ [fill in the blank], only positive speech for the next 20 minutes!)

Malky

Need to Communicate

I think you need to communicate before you drop Miri. Let Miri know that her behavior is off-putting and give her the chance to change. Not to do that would be to act like a teen herself — avoiding having a difficult conversation. You would be depriving Miri of a valuable chinuch moment: coming face-to-face with how her mindset can negatively affect others.

It seems like Miri is really struggling with her sister dating and with school in general. Shira and Yocheved don’t like her, which might indicate a social isolation born of Miri’s negativity and constant complaining. Miri needs help, and by telling Mrs. Sternberg about the carpool situation, Basya is alerting her that Miri needs her mother’s attention. Mrs. Sternberg will be embarrassed, but she will undoubtedly speak to Miri and that will change Miri’s behavior during carpool. This will achieve Basya’s goal. This could also be the wake-up call Miri’s mother needs. Alternatively, Basya could reach out to the school’s mechaneches and share the situation with her to hear if there is any information that would shed light on Miri’s behavior during carpool.