“Should I Correct My Daughter’s ‘Misremembered” Version of Events?”

AS my daughter moves through her teens, she’s starting to voice a lot of anger and resentment about her childhood. However, the details are very distant from reality. For example, she complains that we were the only family who didn’t do fun things on Sunday, when in reality we went on small trips together at least once or twice a month (and at the time, she enjoyed them). She’s complaining that we didn’t let her go to sleepover camp in seventh grade — but she was the one who turned down our offer of camp because she wanted to stay in the bungalow colony so she could be a mother’s helper and earn money. She keeps mentioning scenarios and details that are just not true. I realize I need to validate the pain she’s in. But what’s next? Should I correct her and point out the ways in which she’s misremembering, or just let her vent about her version of events?

WE humans are extremely subjective. “Reality” isn’t a thing for us; we have strong filters and biases that constantly distort our vision. As a result, most of us are blinded by our few problems to the extent that we can’t notice or acknowledge the outpouring of daily gifts bestowed upon us by our Creator.

Some of us inherit particularly “frightened” genes, seeing danger and threat around every corner, and others inherit particularly “black” genes, having a knack for discovering what’s wrong with everything and everyone they encounter. One of life’s tasks is, in fact, to learn how to alter these filters in order to become more consistently satisfied, joyous, and appreciative.

This is true for your daughter as well. Her negativity, resentment, and distorted memories bring her no joy. Eventually, she’ll probably notice this and — like most of us — undertake a project to become happier and more content. However, this rarely happens before adulthood. Young people have a greater investment in the idea that happiness comes from external forces — ideal situations and relationships — rather than from one’s internal mental world.