As told to Sarah Massry
There’s so much talk this time of year about growing and doing teshuvah, but not all of us can say we’ve seen real change resulting from our Elul and Tishrei kabbalos. How can we translate the energy and arousal of the Yamim Noraim into long-lasting change?
Let’s start by examining what usually motivates people when they attempt to change.
- The selfish motive: People say I get angry, impatient, or insensitive. I think they’re nitpicking or overly sensitive in their assessment, but I want to change — not because I exhibit this behavior, which is beneath me, but just so they won’t complain about it anymore.
- Sacrificial motive: My wife says I can’t continue like this and my kids say this is not okay. I’m changing to keep the peace because I am a tzadddik. The problem is not necessarily me, but I’ll sacrifice for them.
- The disgust motive: I realize the way I am is shameful and disgusting. I can’t live like this anymore. I think I’m disgusting, and others around me think so, too.
- The rock-bottom motive: I hit rock bottom and the desire to change comes from me. (Though this motive often does work, it’s not a necessary step to change. Some people can spend a long time getting to rock bottom, and then remain there for an extended period of time. Everyone agrees that barring extreme circumstances, this should be a last resort.)
All four of these motives usually won’t create lasting change (with the exception of hitting rock bottom, which comes with inherent risks).
Which kind of motive does produce lasting change? One that stems from a person’s sense of intrinsic self-worth.
