The Art of Asking

What is the role of a rav in advising on complex family circumstances, career decisions, internal battles, or emotional challenges that one is facing? I know of situations when a rabbi steered a friend wrong with bad advice and am therefore apprehensive about raising sensitive questions of a non-halachic nature with a rav. How can my rav appreciate and understand the issue I’m facing if he never struggled with a similar situation? What is the role of the questioner in the process of aseh lecha rav?

What emerges from these questions is that many are correctly looking to our rabbanim for advice; however, there is another crucial element of the aseh lecha relationship that requires explanation and that also demands effort on the part of those seeking guidance from their rabbanim.

The Mishnah states, “The more counsel, the more understanding” (Avos 2:7). This statement seems counterintuitive. We would assume the more opinions one seeks, the more one would feel confused and uncertain.

Rav Chaim Volozhiner explains the meaning of this statement as follows: A person knows oneself best. An outsider can never understand one better than one knows oneself. However, an individual is missing the logic, perception, and wisdom that many others have. Therefore, it behooves one to seek advice from others to benefit from the wisdom that one may be missing. Then, and only then, should one consider what he has heard and make his own decision. Rav Chaim Volozhiner’s explanation reflects the wisdom in the adage, “Ask for advice, but use your own mind.”