The Elusive Answer   

I’Mpleased to announce to the Mishpacha readership that in this article, I’m going to answer the question that has been at the forefront of our communal consciousness for decades now: Why do children stray from the path we have laid out for them with so much love and care?

I decided to join the discourse on this topic after reading the article on emotional neglect by Allison Joseph and the corresponding responses. It became clear to me that we still haven’t figured out the answer to this painful conundrum, though to my mind it’s remarkably simple.

But first, a word about my credentials. I actually have none. I am not a rabbi or a rebbetzin. I am not a psychologist. I have not opened my home and heart to legions of disenchanted youth, who have then poured out their sorry tales after midnight on Friday nights over large bowls of cholent. And while I am a teacher, I’m the sort who imparts the Ramban, not the one who has the key to the hearts of her charges. What I am is a mother of many, that’s all, and an observer of the human scene.

I’m a mother who well understands the urgency of the question and the powerful draw to figure out some answer — the answer — to why children leave. We’re all running scared. The fear of a child who goes off colors our parenting from the youngest years, weakening us. Enforcing a limit? Adhering to a standard? Giving a firm no?  Staying different from 90 percent of our peer group? We worry about how all these may affect the psyche of a child. We are terrified of what the child might feel, experience — what their truth, which we are enjoined to accept even as we disbelieve it, might become, what they will one day write in their own article, explaining the thing that made them leave their home of love and light and warmth — and this fear paralyzes us. If we can figure out the answer, we can guarantee ourselves protection from this scourge. So, we search earnestly.