As a clinical psychologist and researcher, I have, over the past several years, conducted research on various topics relating to the frum community
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ast week’s article “Splitting Seas, Drying Tears,” which profiled a new initiative to gather data on shidduchim, struck me as particularly relevant. As a clinical psychologist and researcher, I have, over the past several years, conducted research on various topics relating to the frum community. As our team learned over time, the discoveries revealed through thorough research can be incredibly eye-opening. Problem-solving without research is like target-shooting without light. To lend insight into this, allow me to share some of what we’ve learned as it pertains to the shidduch system.
From early on in my career, I was motivated to help those I saw struggling in the shidduch system. In 2017, I, together with a team of talented researchers initiated a study called “Data Analytics Addressing Shidduchim” (DAAS). This study set out to determine the percentages of women and men remaining unmarried, whether the marriage “age gap” is responsible for a dearth of available men, and whether changes in religious identification influence the ratio of available men to women.
The survey, launched in 2019, solicited thousands of individuals for basic demographic information about themselves and family members, and also allowed participants to express their opinions on the subject. Close to 1,000 individuals anonymously shared their thoughts and experiences. These poignant and vulnerable responses highlighted the struggles that so many experience. Our screens bore witness to their pain, strength, resilience, and courage. We published a paper on the themes that emerged in the Journal of Community Psychology titled “Struggles in the Orthodox Jewish Shidduch Dating System.”
One of the biggest lessons we learned from poring over the responses is that problems in the shidduch system are multifaceted, diverse, and nuanced. Twenty-seven different themes emerged from the survey, the most common being the superficial and perfectionist criteria we use to assess compatibility between prospective partners. We have created a culture in which we start to “view each other as a series of unrealistic boxes to be checked off rather than as unique individuals.” Important decisions are made for the sole purpose of checking off these boxes, sometimes at the expense of individual well-being. This perpetuates a culture of unrealistic expectations that nobody can sustain.
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