Too Honest for Her Own Good

Eleven-year-old Faigy is furious. Mom can’t drive her to her friend’s house right now because she’s too tired again. This always happens! Mom is tired, has to go to bed, can’t help her with her homework, can’t make dinner — can’t do anything! As she’s done so many times before, Faigy explodes: “You’re useless! You don’t do anything for me! Nobody’s mother is like you. They do things for their kids. I hate you so much!”

Elisheva, Faigy’s mom, is devastated. She stares at her daughter, tears rolling down her cheeks. This infuriates Faigy even more. “I’m the one who should be sad, not you!” she screams as she runs out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

It’s not hard to understand what is prompting Faigy’s behavior. Her mom is unavailable, not able to meet her needs on a regular basis. Whether Mom is suffering from a physical illness or a debilitating mental health condition, something has sapped her energy and vitality, causing her to become largely unavailable to her daughter. Faigy is lashing out in hurt and anger.

But here’s the thing. Hurt and anger doesn’t entitle anyone, at any time, to engage in verbal abuse. Only toddlers, not yet able to express themselves in their mother tongue, are given leeway to yell, pound, and throw — and even they must be taught to curb their aggressive expressions of emotion. Eleven-year-old Faigy is way beyond the age of tolerance for this sort of behavior. Mom — tired as she is — must help her find more appropriate, relationship-savvy ways of expressing painful emotions.